me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
