Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
