She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
