Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
