There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she told me i tasted like america
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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