There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
COCAINE IS GR8
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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