Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
