I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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