ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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