I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
