I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
