i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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