Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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