I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
