you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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