Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
