I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
