if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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