my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
