hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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