If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
