my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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