Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
