so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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