After last night, I could never be a politician.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
