I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize