the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
