dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
