I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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