weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
