i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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