My liver just broke up with me...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
