You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
