how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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