this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
