Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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