today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
