I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
