I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So squirting runs in the family.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
