his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize