Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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