this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
