I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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