Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
