Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
