Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
