I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Success! We fucked roommates!
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