I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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