genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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