I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
