They should really pass out barf bags in church
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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