i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize