I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think i got beer on your cat.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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