man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I AM VODKA MAN
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
