You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
