I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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