I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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